What you are seeing is a Facebook post from a year ago — it doesn’t feel like a year. I just love (insert sarcasm here) the Facebook memory feature. It's been a year since this moment, and while my mind didn't remember it but my body sure did. When I look at this image, I remember being careful not to “appear” as if I needed help. I know that the “look” of financial struggle causes many people to shut down and feel helpless — and I was in trouble and needed help ASAP. So I put on makeup and a slight smile in an effort to reduce that resistance.
I'm still investigating the whys and hows because I still don't understand so much of the path. While material aspects of my life haven't changed, two key ones have....my perspective and attitude. I'm a strong believer in the laws of attraction, so as I dismantle my limiting beliefs and clean up my vibrations, the material shifts are bound to follow, right? I have notebooks full of intentions, prayers, affirmations, goals, dreams…I’m using all the spiritual principles I was raised with and the ones I’ve learned over time. I often feel trapped in a long season of financial struggle, homelessness, and food insecurity, which can be isolating. Even the people who ‘get’ it and love you get "support fatigue," so I protect myself with a shield of silence when I start to see that happen. Asking for help is its own special type of hell. If you are in a challenging time, all I can say from experience so don't let rage, disappointment, or fear consume you, Instead, when you have the bandwidth, lean into the emotions and let them tell you something — even if that something is "WTF."
My eternal gratitude to Klancy Miller ( @klancycooks ) for holding space for me, and supporting me when the prospect of exposing myself and my life was absolutely terrifying. My appreciation to anyone who has shown up for me financially in the past year....whether it was a job, a monetary gift, or a place to pause (I'm looking at you LaRae @raelasalon)
Honestly..I have advice fatigue. I notice when a human we care about is in trouble, our anxiety causes us to offer advice, question them and their problem-solving abilities, and evaluate their mindset for weaknesses and excess. We desperately want to know why they are where they are — what did they do or neglect that would have caused such a result? After years of being on the receiving end of that type of scrutiny, I can say with confidence, I have never benefited from that experience. It overwhelms me with self-doubt and resentment— it’s a unique type of cruelty. It may be well-intentioned but remember impact < intention. I would much rather deal with the burdens alone in silence than subject myself to that experience ever again.
”It will take more time than you think to bounce back. Do your best not to judge yourself, which is a Herculean task.”
This is advice or a warning I wish I had gotten. I have more days of optimism than I did last year this time, if I'm honest...there are still plenty of days I wake up and think "This is total bullshit" and on those days I let it be. I don’t attempt to feel better; I lean into the emotions and care for whatever part of myself is in need.
I'm sure this last year will feature in my memoirs as the moment that led to something transformative. I still create new things and start projects (like a documentary) because what else can I do?! My creativity and curiosity are essential to my survival, so even if none of them pan out, at least I didn't let my circumstances bully me into killing my imagination and idealism.
